im ok i guess

well i had another nightmare today. it wasnt good. it seems my nightmares just get worse everytime. they are very scary.i hit my head and punched the wall i knocked stuff over on my night stand and stuff. i was crying and when i woke up i was woke up cause i was talking in my sleep. i cant believe no one heard me. it was really weird i know i talk in my sleep but i have never woke myself up from talking before. i am glad i did though i dont think i could handle much more of that dream. i relived everything almost that i went through when i was with him and then i moved here to south carolina in the dream and he found me and started a lot of krap and mom kicked me out of the house and i didnt have anyone to turn to exept my ex. i had to go with him. i had no choice. so i got my stuff and went with him and got beat up the whole time. it was really bad.
even though mom says i dont have to worry about ever getting kicked out of here or my ex ever touching me ever again i still get scared. so many people before have told me the same thing before and it still ended up happening. i cant help but be scared about it. i really hope its true though that i wont get kicked out of here. i really like it here. i love having a mom that cares.
well thats my thoughts for now.
i am still really tired i still havent slept all that good. i talked to a nurse on the phone today. she said i am anorexic too i dont know what it is with these people. why do they think i am anorexic just because i dont like food and i want to lose weight. i am not anorexic. i do not have an eating disorder. why cant anyone understand that? ugh. now i am getting mad. i shouldnt have started talking about that. its a really bad subject for me. anyways i am gone for now i cant talk no more. i will be back later.

here i am

well i got a little sleep i kept waking up though. i never sleep good anymore i am so tired all the time it gets on my nerves. i got 4 hours of sleep i laid in bed for an extra four though. kept trying but it didnt work. atleast i dont have to work today. so i can be lazy and not have to worry about anything.
things couldnt be better where i am living. here i have a mom. no dad but a mom. i am used to not having a dad. he was never around anyway. my mom here is awesome to me. she talks to me asks me if i am ok. tells me she loves me which is totally new to me i never heard that from my real mother. she gives me hugs and helps me off the floor or the chair when i cant get up by myself. she is the best.
anyways i dont know what else to write so i will go now. be back later im sure

still awake

rough day at work last night. the guys were going crazy tryin to get my phone number and just wouldnt leave me alone. i came home and was doing ok till of course mom said i had to eat something. i ate and then went straight to the bathroom. i just cant hold anything down. i dont want to try to eat anymore. i am tired of throwing up. now that my stomach is doing ok, i want to try to sleep a little. but i dont know if i will be able to. i cant believe its 730 am and i am not tired yet. i am sitting wondering what i am going to do. should i try to sleep? or should i just stay up? i dont know. i wish someone could help me.
im not good enough to get help. i don deserve it. i am left alone just like i should be. i am nothing anyway. just a piece of trash here in this world. oh well thats just me. stupid trashy me. i guess i will live, i have this long.
im gonna go for now. dont know what i will do but i am gonna go.

going to try to sleep

i guess i am gonna try to sleep its 530 in the morning and i am not a bit tired i think its because i am afraid of the nightmares. i dont want to have them anymore but they just keep coming back. i just dont know what to do, i am totally freaked out.
i tried to tell my mom about the nightmares but words cant explain how horrible they are. she said i was crying in my sleep.i feel so bad for having a nightmare and her having to wake me up. i guess i will try to not fall asleep in the living room anymore.
i dont want to work today. i want to just stay home i am so tired i wish i didnt have to work. i like my new job i really do but i have no energy and i just dont feel like doing anything. errrrr anyways i am gonna try to go lay down i will write more tomorrow.

ahhhhh(not a good post)

had a bad nightmare today. i feel very bad cause i was sleeping on the couch and my mom had to wake me up. it took me a little while to realize i was ok. my ex boyfriend was beating the living day lights out of me in my dream. i couldnt do anything to stop it. i am so far away from him but i know that he will find me. i dont know how long it will take him but i know he will find me. he always does. he wont even leave me alone in my dreams. why wont he go? i dont want him with me at all.
i know i shouldnt have stayed with him as long as i did. but all the things he said. and all the times he said he loved me and how sorry he was. and told me how it would never happen again. and then of course it would happen again.
the dream was so real. it was like really really real. i was so scared i thought for sure i was going to die. i had no one in my dream to turn to. he said i was ugly and stupid and that no one else would ever want me. he said i would never succeed at anything and i always messed everything up. he said that if i did something right for once i wouldnt get in trouble. he keeps telling me over and over again how stupid i am and if i would try just a little bit i could cook his dinner right and fold his clothes the way he likes them. i could have the house totally spotless like he likes it to be. it never mattered how hard i worked at trying to make him happy i never did enough and in the end i paid for it. i cant write anymore right now i dont know what else to say

dont know what to do

i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know how much longer i can take this pain. mom tells me she will never kick me and she wishes i would stop feeling that way. its hard to stop feeling like that when many others have told you the same thing and then still kick you out not caring what happens to you. i dont do anything so terribly wrong to make someone hate me. maybe i shouldnt ever show the real me. i should just pretend i am someone i am not from now on. maybe i will be ok then. i will just hold all my feelings in forever and one day explode and then still not know what to do. ugh.... i just cant win. i am tired of trying to be loved. i mean really how stupid can i get? i dont love myself and my parents dont love me either, so why should anyone else? if my own parents could care less if i was alive or not why should someone else care about it? i used to have many friends in school i wasnt the most popular person in the world but i had a lot of friends. i never made homecoming queen i never was picked on for teams in gym, the only time i ever really got attention from the so called popular kids was when they needed help in math class or science class then they would pretend to be my friend. i dont know where this is going i guess i just felt like writing.

the beginning

i dont really know what i am supposed to write in here. i am very shy about a lot of things. my problems are a big thing with me cause people want to know why i feel the way i do and they want to know about my disorders. i have a hard time sharing them a lot of people i shared with decided they didnt want anything to do with me after i talked to them about it. it hurts me a lot. i had a lot of friends before i opened my big mouth. i guess i should just pretend im ok for the rest of my life. atleast that way people will want to hang out with me and talk to me still. i have only a couple people left in my life that really care about me and i live with them. if i ever get kicked out of here i will end a bum on the streets. well i didnt really know what to write for the start i guess this is good enough.