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Breanna's Journey
 
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Below are 17 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in annaangel's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, January 16th, 2005
12:45 am
just need to talk
ok so i started getting dizzy and i guess passed out on my mom for a while. when i finally got up i got in this shitty mood. i dont want to be touched i just want to be left alone. i wont even try to sit next to my boyfriend cause no matter how many times i tell him i dont feel like being touched he just keeps trying to rub my back or something. i know he is just tryinig to be with me and be affectionate or whatever you want to call it but i just cant handle it at times.
today was just crazy my mom and her fiance were arguing and i thought we were gonna have to find another place to live. so far everything is ok. i just hope it stays that way. i know that no one wants to move again. we just got done moving into this trailer. i love this trailer and i know my mom does too.
My mom asked me what about gus when i told her that my cousin said me and her could come stay with her. maybe it was mean but i said i dont know as long as my mom and i have a plave to go. i know he could always go back to his mothers house. or his brothers or whatever. i am not trying to be mean to him. i just put my mom before anyone. even before myself.
I do have to say that before the argument started me and my mom had a lot of fun listening to music and talking. we sang together and had fun. we always have fun when its just me and her. we have fun with lawrence too but atleast i know when its just me and my mom then nobody will get grouchy.
i have been really depressed on and off. i am really trying to hide it but i dont think its working to well. im sure my mom know that i have been depressed. i cant hide it from her. she knows to well about depression. and other things. she always knows when something is wrong. i guess thats because she has been the only one who has payed attention to me. i am so glad she knows when something is wrong cause she always gets me to talk. or atleast most of the time she gets me to talk. its really good for me. i used to hold everything in.
anyways i am going to watch a movie with my mom and everyone



Current Mood: depressed
Friday, April 16th, 2004
3:20 am
feeling bad again
dont know why i am writing here or anywhere today. nothing matters anymore. as much as i try to leave everything behind it wont leave. it continues to haunt me everyday every minute every second even. then even when i close my eyes at night. theres his face. or his fist flying at me. what did i do wrong now? why is it no matter how hard i try i am always doing something wrong? maybe i deserve to be punished all the time. i am always screwing up anyway.
i swear each day gets worse and worse with my depression. i love where i live and i love being with mom but i cant make my depression go away. some nights i feel so bad. i try to spend time with mom and have fun. and for a little while i am ok. laughing and havin a good old time. and then....BAM! the depression strikes again. i am back into my own little world thinking all kinds of bad things. having suicidal thoughts that wont go away and i am afraid to talk. and even when i am not afraid to talk or i think i am not afraid i still cant get the words out to tell anyone how i feel.
i dont know if i will ever get through my depression. i dont know if it will ever go away. they have never really found any meds that have helped me in the past and i cant try any now either because i have no insurance and no car so its kinda hard. things are easier with being with my mom. she helps alot. she gives me hugs sometimes and tells me she loves me. she calls me at work and always asks if i am ok. and everytime she asks me that i tell her yeah but want i really want to do is scream NOOOOOOO!!!!! but i just cant. i cant tell her i am not ok. i cant tell her i feel like dying. i cant tell her i am taking diet pills and throwing up my food. i just cant do it.
she thinks cause i have only lost a few pounds that everything is ok. its ok for her to think that. i dont want her to think it is bad. then she will make me stop and right now i dont want to stop. she said it would tear her apart if something ever happened to me. i dont want to do that to her. but i cant get these thoughts out of my head. they wont go away. i have tried.
i guess i am just rambling now. its not like anyone reads this and replies or anything. i am talking to nobody. guess thats good since i am a nobody. i am not previliaged enough to talk to others. i dont deserve love and support like everyone else does.
i am just gonna go sit in my room in the dark and cry. and wait for tomorrow and go to work. then i will just sit in my room again. it will go on and on and on. i will forever be alone. thats how it should be. thats what i deserve.
breanna
Friday, April 9th, 2004
2:51 am
doing bad
dont know what to say. i cant explain how i feel right now. mad upset depressed i dont know. i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to hit someone. i dont know i should even be writing right now so i will go bye
Friday, March 26th, 2004
12:06 pm
last night
totally flipped out. i cant stand guns. i had my friend matt come over he wanted to meet my mom. i thought ok cool. he seemed nice and for the last two weeks he had been walking me home from work so i didnt have to be scared and alone walking through the woods at night.
anyways we ended up going to his houe to check out what movies he had. he brought out a gun. i am so afraid of guns. i hate guns. ever since my best friend died i cant stand to even see a gun. i totally flipped out on him. i didnt mean to. we came back to my house and sat here chillin out. the screen saver was on and mom has one of my pictures on it. well it popped up and he saw it he said, " who is that fat girl on the computer?" i knew i was fat he totally confirmed it for me. now i have to really have to start exercising everyday. i cant slack off. i have to get back to my old size. i just have to. i cant do this anymore. i ended up getting sick cause mom made me eat. he told me he thought i was bulimic. it wasnt a very good night. i was really upset. anyways that was my evening. after he left i just cried. i wanted to talk to someone but had no one to talk to. i still dont have anyone to talk to. oh well
breanna
Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
3:22 am
dont know what to do
i having some really weird thoughts. i have a lot of
stupid questions going through my head.
what if i never met my mom down here? where would i be
then? who would i be with? would i still be alive? and
what was it that i did to make everyone in my life
hate me? or is it that i am just a bad person like i
think i am? if all those people hate me what is it
that i did to get a mom like i have now? what did i do
to have her care about me? to have her love me like a
mother should? why does she really care? why doesnt
she hate me like everyone else that has been around
me? i hate me. i dont think there is anything about me
to love.all these questions going through my head and
i dont know what to do about it.
why am i not happy right now? i should be extremely
happy. i have a home and a mom now. a mom i am proud
to call MY MOM. i havent been yelled at or gotten my
butt kicked. she hasnt threatened to kick me out. i
should be happy but i have to much on my mind. I CANT
STOP IT! WHAT DO I DO?
all i can do is cry. i have been crying and depressed
all day. i am so afraid that things will change and i
will be in the way and she will want me to leave. i am
so afraid of that. i dont want to ever leave here. i
want to stay here. i have a mom now. i have someone i
can talk to face to face. i feel comfortable talking
to her. she tells me she loves me. she makes sure i am
ok. she checks on me when she knows i have been
feeling like passing out. she helps me off the floor
when i fall down and cant move. she makes sure i have
everything i need. she sits up with me just to spend
time with me. WHY AM I NOT HAPPY? I DONT GET IT. AM I
THAT STUPID?
i always feel like i have done something wrong. i
always feel like maybe i shouldnt talk about things
even with her because maybe she doesnt want to hear
about it. maybe i am in the way. maybe i take up too
much of here time. maybe i should just leave so i dont
mess things up between me and her.
ugh i dont know my brain is going bonkers again and i
cant handle it. i need
someone right now. i need to talk to someone. please. im losing it. i am going into my depression stage. i have felt it coming for a couple weeks now. i want to hide. i need to hide.
i need help.
sorry
breanna
Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
1:37 pm
nightmare
had a bad nightmare that i was watching my sister and i started to fall asleep when i woke up i found her dead. everyone in my family hated me before but in the dream when this happened you can imagine how much they really hated me. i woke up crying and flipping out. no one was awake so i am all by myself. i hate nightmares. they get on my nerves. anyways thats all i wanted to say.
breanna
12:04 am
work stinks
i was sexually harrassed by one of the managers at work today. i wish guys would just leave me alone. i dont want to go through all the police report and talking to the cops and possibly going to court. i just dont want the hassle. why cant i just go to work and have a good day and come home and be happy. instead i am so frustrated when i come home i have to talk about it or it will bother me all night long. and i am sure no one at home wants to hear me complain everyday about work.
i dyed my hair today its burgundy. i like it its my color. i used to be blonde but i changed it. after a while it got boring. so i had to change it. i ended up liking this color to much to get rid of it.
i guess i slept pretty good last night. my mom i know had to wake me up once the day before. i have to work tomorrow and then hopefully i get a day off. yayyyyyy!!!!! anyways i guess thats all for now.
breanna
Monday, February 23rd, 2004
1:12 am
a weird feeling
i cant explain what i feel right now. i am having not so good thoughts. i dont know what keeps triggering this, i think i am losing it. my head is spinning. my mind is racing. i want to scream. i wish things would quit bugging me all the time. i have a bad problem with stressed. i get very stressed out very very easily. sometimes i dont know what to, do i want to scream do i want to cry. or even laugh. anyways i am just flippin out right now.
breanna
Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
3:00 am
i took something
i used to have a lot of these pills and one night i got mad and threw them all out so i thought. well i found a couple. they usually mess me up pretty good tonight i am drinking which i should be but i cant help it. it relaxes me. anyways i took these pills too and now i am really messed up. i cant walk real straight. my legs feel like jello i dont even know what kind of pills they are. a friend gave them to me a while back and i take them to make me feel better.
2:06 am
going crazy
i want to hurt myself so bad right now. i dont know what is triggering this feeling. maybe its the nightmares. i dont know what else could be making me feel this way. i mean i love where i live and i like my job. so it has to be the nightmares. i dont think it could be anything else. anyways i guess thats all i really needed to say. i dont want to get into talking about the other subject again that does nothing but make me mad.
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
10:14 pm
im ok i guess
well i had another nightmare today. it wasnt good. it seems my nightmares just get worse everytime. they are very scary.i hit my head and punched the wall i knocked stuff over on my night stand and stuff. i was crying and when i woke up i was woke up cause i was talking in my sleep. i cant believe no one heard me. it was really weird i know i talk in my sleep but i have never woke myself up from talking before. i am glad i did though i dont think i could handle much more of that dream. i relived everything almost that i went through when i was with him and then i moved here to south carolina in the dream and he found me and started a lot of krap and mom kicked me out of the house and i didnt have anyone to turn to exept my ex. i had to go with him. i had no choice. so i got my stuff and went with him and got beat up the whole time. it was really bad.
even though mom says i dont have to worry about ever getting kicked out of here or my ex ever touching me ever again i still get scared. so many people before have told me the same thing before and it still ended up happening. i cant help but be scared about it. i really hope its true though that i wont get kicked out of here. i really like it here. i love having a mom that cares.
well thats my thoughts for now.
i am still really tired i still havent slept all that good. i talked to a nurse on the phone today. she said i am anorexic too i dont know what it is with these people. why do they think i am anorexic just because i dont like food and i want to lose weight. i am not anorexic. i do not have an eating disorder. why cant anyone understand that? ugh. now i am getting mad. i shouldnt have started talking about that. its a really bad subject for me. anyways i am gone for now i cant talk no more. i will be back later.
breanna
4:15 pm
here i am
well i got a little sleep i kept waking up though. i never sleep good anymore i am so tired all the time it gets on my nerves. i got 4 hours of sleep i laid in bed for an extra four though. kept trying but it didnt work. atleast i dont have to work today. so i can be lazy and not have to worry about anything.
things couldnt be better where i am living. here i have a mom. no dad but a mom. i am used to not having a dad. he was never around anyway. my mom here is awesome to me. she talks to me asks me if i am ok. tells me she loves me which is totally new to me i never heard that from my real mother. she gives me hugs and helps me off the floor or the chair when i cant get up by myself. she is the best.
anyways i dont know what else to write so i will go now. be back later im sure
7:40 am
still awake
rough day at work last night. the guys were going crazy tryin to get my phone number and just wouldnt leave me alone. i came home and was doing ok till of course mom said i had to eat something. i ate and then went straight to the bathroom. i just cant hold anything down. i dont want to try to eat anymore. i am tired of throwing up. now that my stomach is doing ok, i want to try to sleep a little. but i dont know if i will be able to. i cant believe its 730 am and i am not tired yet. i am sitting wondering what i am going to do. should i try to sleep? or should i just stay up? i dont know. i wish someone could help me.
im not good enough to get help. i don deserve it. i am left alone just like i should be. i am nothing anyway. just a piece of trash here in this world. oh well thats just me. stupid trashy me. i guess i will live, i have this long.
im gonna go for now. dont know what i will do but i am gonna go.
Friday, February 20th, 2004
5:34 am
going to try to sleep
i guess i am gonna try to sleep its 530 in the morning and i am not a bit tired i think its because i am afraid of the nightmares. i dont want to have them anymore but they just keep coming back. i just dont know what to do, i am totally freaked out.
i tried to tell my mom about the nightmares but words cant explain how horrible they are. she said i was crying in my sleep.i feel so bad for having a nightmare and her having to wake me up. i guess i will try to not fall asleep in the living room anymore.
i dont want to work today. i want to just stay home i am so tired i wish i didnt have to work. i like my new job i really do but i have no energy and i just dont feel like doing anything. errrrr anyways i am gonna try to go lay down i will write more tomorrow.
2:30 am
ahhhhh(not a good post)
had a bad nightmare today. i feel very bad cause i was sleeping on the couch and my mom had to wake me up. it took me a little while to realize i was ok. my ex boyfriend was beating the living day lights out of me in my dream. i couldnt do anything to stop it. i am so far away from him but i know that he will find me. i dont know how long it will take him but i know he will find me. he always does. he wont even leave me alone in my dreams. why wont he go? i dont want him with me at all.
i know i shouldnt have stayed with him as long as i did. but all the things he said. and all the times he said he loved me and how sorry he was. and told me how it would never happen again. and then of course it would happen again.
the dream was so real. it was like really really real. i was so scared i thought for sure i was going to die. i had no one in my dream to turn to. he said i was ugly and stupid and that no one else would ever want me. he said i would never succeed at anything and i always messed everything up. he said that if i did something right for once i wouldnt get in trouble. he keeps telling me over and over again how stupid i am and if i would try just a little bit i could cook his dinner right and fold his clothes the way he likes them. i could have the house totally spotless like he likes it to be. it never mattered how hard i worked at trying to make him happy i never did enough and in the end i paid for it. i cant write anymore right now i dont know what else to say
Thursday, February 19th, 2004
6:26 am
dont know what to do
i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know how much longer i can take this pain. mom tells me she will never kick me and she wishes i would stop feeling that way. its hard to stop feeling like that when many others have told you the same thing and then still kick you out not caring what happens to you. i dont do anything so terribly wrong to make someone hate me. maybe i shouldnt ever show the real me. i should just pretend i am someone i am not from now on. maybe i will be ok then. i will just hold all my feelings in forever and one day explode and then still not know what to do. ugh.... i just cant win. i am tired of trying to be loved. i mean really how stupid can i get? i dont love myself and my parents dont love me either, so why should anyone else? if my own parents could care less if i was alive or not why should someone else care about it? i used to have many friends in school i wasnt the most popular person in the world but i had a lot of friends. i never made homecoming queen i never was picked on for teams in gym, the only time i ever really got attention from the so called popular kids was when they needed help in math class or science class then they would pretend to be my friend. i dont know where this is going i guess i just felt like writing.
5:47 am
the beginning
i dont really know what i am supposed to write in here. i am very shy about a lot of things. my problems are a big thing with me cause people want to know why i feel the way i do and they want to know about my disorders. i have a hard time sharing them a lot of people i shared with decided they didnt want anything to do with me after i talked to them about it. it hurts me a lot. i had a lot of friends before i opened my big mouth. i guess i should just pretend im ok for the rest of my life. atleast that way people will want to hang out with me and talk to me still. i have only a couple people left in my life that really care about me and i live with them. if i ever get kicked out of here i will end a bum on the streets. well i didnt really know what to write for the start i guess this is good enough.

breanna
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