today was crazy we had all the party subs to make and i had to deliver one and it was nuts. my boss sent me to the wrong place and the manager didnt even know what groups of people were there it was stupid. i was really getting mad. finally get back to work and my boss left and we were busy for lunch. i tried to help clean up and then it was time to go i am going on day three with a migraine i think i have a pinched nerve in my neck i think thats the main reason why i am in such a bad mood. gus has been acting weird lately. i dont know whats going on with him exept he is upset about his family. took me forever to get that out of him. i asked him three times if something was wrong and then i caught him crying in his room. i asked him again and he said dont worry about it, its not about us. somehow i think he is having a problem with us and he just wont say. i dont know though. he kinda scared me tonight. i saw him get mad and it really scared me plus he told me next time lawrence hit him he would knock him out. i understand he doesnt want lawrence to hit him but why dont he just tell him to quit? i dont understand. i just hope he doesnt start to get mean. this realy is scaring me. i dont want to be afraid and maybe i shouldnt be but i am. hopefully he is just having a bad day and it will pass. i cant wait til friday we are gonna go to cicis pizza buffet maybe we can go walking around some stores after to walk off some of the food i will need to. last time we went to lowes after we ate and i looked 8 months pregnant i hope that dont happen again. i know it probably will though. john came over he said he wanted to talk about the money he owes mom but he wouldnt come in cause he is to fucking lazy to take his shoes off. he said he would call to talk to her about it but he never did go figure. no surprise there. hes a jerk i hope he just goes away and leaves us alone. anyways good night
well today went kinda rough. samantha and dejares were total assholes they both had attitudes all day long. i have had a headache since i got up this morning i wish it would go away but it just keeps getting worse. i took a muscle relaxer at work today and i am still wide awake. it didnt help me at all, maybe what they gave me wasnt a muscle relaxer maybe it was something else. some little purple pill. made me shakey and everything was blurry for a while. felt kinda cool. but it still didnt help my headache. wish it would have helped. wanting to go on a diet again. but not sure how that will go, everyone says i dont need to go on a diet. billy wants to gain weight. wish they was my problem. but i can gain weight like krazy and i have hard time losing it. i wish it was as easy as gaining weight that would be nice. i have to work everyday but sunday this week. i am exhausted right now im sure ill be tired by the end of the week. i should be sleeping but i have been so into the computer its not funny. been working on my group and checking emails and writing emails and talking on messanger. billy might come work with me at subway. i hope he can then we wont have to worry about him getting a job and he can start helping out. that will be cool. maybe we will all be able to save up money easier after he starts working. i hope gus finds a job soon too. especially if we are talking about having a baby he needs to be working. im excited about having a baby and i know my mom will be excited when i get pregnant. she wants a grandbaby. i guess i should go to sleep
well moms friend christina had her baby. mom wants a grandkid now and i have wanted a baby for a long time too just havent realy said much about it. i have talked to gus a little about. when he was still in florida he said he didnt want any kids until he got married but now he says he only wanted to wait until we got to know each other better. i realy want to have a kid. i realy do. im so afraid though that i wont have the patience and i will get frustrated. i used to with catalina. what if it were to happen again? i know mom will help me. i know she will be here for me. but im still afraid. well today i have been living here for a year. i havent been kicked out. that is realy something for me. everyone usually throws me out and doesnt want anything to do with me after only a few months. i was so scared when i moved down that i would be hated, and im still here. i am so glad i am still here. i have gotten really close with my mom. she may not be my real mother but i sure wish she was. she has been here for me more then anyone else. and i will be here for her too whenever she needs me. i wish i could give her back everything she has given me and more. i dont really talk to mom much anymore about stuff but i dont really get time alone with her unless we go to the store. sometimes i dont want to talk cause i dont want to make her mad. sometimes i want to talk about how i feel but i dont want mom to worry or get mad. i dont knw why she would get mad i always think i will make someone mad. i have thought for a while that i was just messing things up and that i would end up having to leave. i dont know why i guess just cause my moods have been going crazy and i dont know what to do. i think i am doing better with having gus around now, it was realy weird at first but now i am getting used to it. i am even considering him starting to sleep in my room but i have to get a bigger bed first. i am trying to spend time with him and talk to him i do think i am doing better about that. it just takes me a while. so i have been learning a lot at work and i should be a manager. why cant anyone give me management? it really does get on my nerves at times i should be making more money and be able to do more. like getting the breaks done on gus's car and helping with the bills more then just the groceries i gotta get to sleep
i feel like a total ass hole. im a bad girlfriend. mom suggested me tell him to go back to florida. i dont want him to. i do love him. i guess thats hard to see and thats my fault. i have tried to talk to him. yesterday for instance i asked him all day what was wrong and he kept telling me i dont know. what was i supposed to do. and then well i had a nightmare and i guess i flipped him out or scared him or whatever. i didnt do it on purpose. he can talk to mom and he can talk to lawrence but he cant talk to me. the reason for that i dont know. i have tried talking to him. i have told him several times if you need to talk to me say something. i cant read minds. should i just say forget it and stay single forever? i dont want to but i dont know what to do. i dont like being touched all the time which i guess is a problem. i met him not that long ago and im sure he has a problem sleeping in the middle bedroom. i make him feel like shit. hes told me so on that one. i dont know what to do. what let him be all touchy feely with me all the time and just deal with not feeling comfortable? i just cant handle it all the time. i guess he told mom that he doesnt even know if he should sit next to me or on the other side of the room. i dont mean to make him feel that way. but again why does he keep all this from me? why not come and talk to me. write me an email. do something. instead he waits til i go to sleep or am gone at work and talks to everyone else. i dont really get to talk to my mom just me and her anymore cause he is always around. im not saying i dont want him around. i just wish sometimes i could talk to my mom without him being in the room. maybe im being selfish. i probably am. the part that bugs me is he lays in his bed and right when i get up he gets up. like yesterday morning i woke up at 7. was gonna check my email and go back to bed. there he was. when i told him i wasnt staying up he left. but every morning when i get up for work he is right there. i feel like i have to have a babysitter or something. it drives me crazy somedays. i dont make anyone laugh anymore its seems like. he is always the one cracking jokes and everything. which i guess is another thing that bugs me. sometimes i am not in the mood for jokes. he will sit here and make a joke out of everything. his little sound effects and thinking everything is funny. it just gets on my nerves at times. im sure i probably get on everyone elses nerves to but this is just how i feel right now. maybe i should be the one to go away. i help out a little but not that much. if he goes then there is no car to get anywhere and i dont know it just seems like i am doing everything wrong lately. its probably just me though. i dont know. i just want to talk to my mom. i want to sit down just me and her and talk. i should be quiet now i have already said enough.
today was ok we were busy at work but not as bad as yesterday me and jessica got the store very clean today. i had her scrubbing everything and anything she could see. anyways my boss was happy when she came in. so thats a good thing. i have to be at work to open tomorrow and get trained. and friday i think will have to open by myself kinda scary if you ask me. im so afraid i will forget to do something or mess something up.
we had biscuits and gravy for dinner they we really good. i wanted more but it was all gone. i made scrambled eggs to go with it. anyways everyone liked it.
gus is freaked out cause he says he doesnt know what to do about us he says he wants to get close to me but he feels he cant. i dont know what to say. i try to of course people may think i dont try. i cant help being like this. i am afraid. im afraid of getting close and having something bad happen again. i am so scared i cant even begin to explain. he said he got so upset about it today he got sick. i asked him all day long what was wrong and he said he didnt know. i finally got it out of him tonight though. and once again i told him im not a psychic and if he needs to talk to me then he needs to say something or even write an email.
anyways other then finding out what was wrong with my boyfriend my day was fine. im not all that tired cause i got a lot of sleep last night.
im off to bed now. so i can get up on time for work tomorrow.
got trained on a lot of paper work and computer krap at work today. she is training me for all the stuff a manager would do but she wont hire me as a manager. kinda makes me mad but i am glad she wants me to know how to do this stuff. i get tomorrow off and i am going to try to get some sleep. like maybe more then 6 hours would be nice. atleast i dont have to worry about getting up at a certain time tomorrow. i have been pretty bad about getting up on time lately. i have to be at work at 850 on friday i really hope that i get up on time. hopefully i will be able to do this getting up early shit. ugh i hate mornings but i do like to be home at dinner time. i like to spend time with mom and everyone.i think its cool. i used to never be home for dinner. and i always ate by myself but now i havebeen able to sit down with everyone and eat and watch our show while we eat and talk and everything. its cool.
i am tired but i dont want to go to sleep. i want to stay up. i hate when i am tired but wide awake. i wish i didnt have to be at work until 12 tomorrow. instead i have to be there at 11 then i think my boss gave me thursday off so i could get some rest so i can get up and be at work at 9 am. i know i will be tired that day. but at least i get home at 3 and then get the weekend off. yayyyyy i can drink all weekend. maybe i will find some money to get enough alcohol for this weekend. anyways i should try to get some sleep. i dont want to be tired at work tomorrow. i hate when i am tired and have to work. i dont feel like doing anything. i just want to lay on the floor and go to sleep. cant do that though. wonder if i will end up working at the cayce store this week too. i never know where i am going to work. im so confused. i get scheduled for one store then my boss calls me and tells me to go somewhere else. oh well atleast i am starting to get more hours good night
I messed up. I have been depressed for a while and its just been getting worse and worse. I know it wouldnt have if I would have talked to someone about what has been going through my head. I dont know exactly what i did but my mom is mad at me. I didnt mean for her to feel bad. I wish i could take it back. I just decided since I was depressed i would go in my room. probably a bad idea. i know i get worse when i am alone. I want to talk to my mom about this but im not so sure she wants to talk to me. I want to tell her what is going on and how i am feeling. but i cant talk to her in front of others. gus said this whole three weeks has been krap for him. maybe i should stay single. i feel like i am a horrible girlfriend. i dont mean to be. im just having a hard time with it thats all. i love him i do i just dont know what to do. im afraid of getting close im afraid of letting him know everything about me. im afraid of it all. Am I messing everything up? I just hope everything gets better soon. I hope i can talk to my mom and make everything right. I hope she will forgive me for the way i have been
yeah well i went to sleep at around 5 this morning. but i couldnt stay asleep i kept waking up and then i finally decided to get up at around 12 i was so worried about getting my 8 hours of sleep before work that i couldnt sleep i think. i dont know. ugh i hate when i cant sleep i get so frustrated. i went to work and we were basically dead all night. i found out the ms janice changed the hours and we close at 8 on sundays instead of 9 i was happy for that. i dont know what i would have done for another hour of just sitting there. i talked to my cousin and told her everything here is ok and my mom and i werent coming to georgia. i also found out that tony which is my cousin edes husband decided that my other cousin punkin needed her ass kicked. he tried to hit her but she ended up putting him in the hospital. i am so mad that he did that. i am so glad that mom and lawrence are doing better now. i dont like seeing my mom upset like that. i just wanted to cry. i did cry when i was alone. i just wish i could have helped her feel better. im just glad thats all over now. i have been getting really irritated a lot lately. i dont know why. i have been getting stressed out and depressed over the littlest things. i wish it would quit. i just really dont know whats wrong. i wish i could talk about it but i dont know what to say. the only person i want to talk to is mom but i have no words. ugh its making me mad. i just want to feel better. oh well im off to bed gotta be at work at 12 and have to call the landlord about our dogs in the morning. that will be fun hopefully everything will work out.
well its 5 am and i have to be at work at 4 this afternoon i should have gone to sleep a while ago since i didnt sleep much yesterday but oh well i didnt want to. i can deal with going to work a little tired. i was having fun tonight. not sure when my next day off is. maybe i will have to work everyday this coming week and get some extra money to help more with things around here. i am supposed to be trained this week to open. wonder if she is still planning on training me. she called me in and wanted me to work 11 to 5 at one of the other stores she owns but i hadnt had any sleep yet when she called so i didnt go. i should have though it would have helped out a little more. anyways i am going to try to get some sleep. i am really tired so i shouldnt have a problem but you never know.