February 21st, 2005

feel like bitching

gus seemed upset when he brought up the i have wednesday off. he said i see how it is. you get the day off that i have to work. he gets all kinds of time at home without me here shouldnt i get time without him in the house? most of the time i get alone i steal the laptop and take it to my room at night around the time i would be going to sleep so i can have a lone time. but why cant i have time away and be able to sit in the living room and watch tv or play a game or something? am i wrong by wanting that?
lately he seems like he is in a bad mood a lot. am i doing something wrong again? all his jokes are just getting on my nerves everytime you ask him for something he is a smart ass and says no. and even though he still brings it it just gets annoying. or when you say something he says liar. he laughs at his own damn jokes. i for one dont really think they are funny but thats just my opinion. i can handle jokes and having fun but oh my god all the freakin time? ahhhhhhhhhhh i just want to scream at him to quit sometimes. i dont want to be mean to him though.
i think this is part of the reason why i cant spend time with him a lot. and the whole sitting next to each other shit. i would be able to if he would quit touching me all the time while we are sitting together. i have talked to him about this too. am i stupid or what? do i need to be a bitch about it for him to understand that i dont like to be touched all the time? i dont want to be but shit its irritating.
i dont know what put me in this mood but it sucks. i should be sleeping. but i cant. i just feel like going away right now.
i was trying to leave the ana groups tonight but i couldnt do it. i thought about asking mom if she would help me. i know i shouldnt be in them. i know they arent healthy groups for me. i was stupid to join cause i knew when i joined i wouldnt want to leave. mom wants me healthy and she doesnt want me to die i knw that if i got into my eating disorder to bad and lose to much weight i could die. i dont want to do that to her. i want to be here with her for as long as i can. i love my mom and i dont ever want to hurt her like that.
work was ok but my boss bitched about the night before saying we didnt do all this stuff when i know damn well that we did. i dont know what her problem is but she needs to stop. she has me doing practically everything in that fucking store and all i get is bitched at? what is up with that shit? i know i could get a job somewhere else but i am tired of switching jobs all the time. i thought about going to burger king cause i know i can get more money there and i would have all my hours and my two days off a week. maybe i will look into doing that and just stay there. i think i can get insurance too. that would be cool. i really need medical insurance. i need some kind of sleeping pill and something for my back. maybe a muscle relaxer would help both. i could take one of those at night and it would relax me to go to sleep and to help my back not hurt so bad.
well i should be off to sleep so i can be awake enough to work tomorrow.
  • Current Mood
    irritated irritated

got some stuff done today

wow i am proud of myself i actually got up early and was able to do some things around the house like i said i would do. i didnt sleep real well though. something kept waking me up. and i have been having a lot of problems with my back lately. i wake up really stiff and in major pain, it goes away after a few hours but damn it hurts.
well its storming out so i am going to have a lot of fun driving to work. its scary driving in storms when you are alone. well atleast to me.
i have to close tonight kinda sucks cause i will miss dinner. oh well not really having much of an appetite today anyway. i dont know why though. stomach is just not real good right now.
i am going to schedule next thursday off work so me and mom can go to the clinic. im glad we have a free clinic i cant handle no more bills going to collections. i cant pay the bills that i have now. i dont make that much money.
i have thought about going to burger king and applying again. i know i could get my hours there and i would make more money that would be better. i want to talk to mom about it first though. i am tired of switching jobs but i am also tired of barely making any money and working my ass off. i deserve more. i have been working since i was 12.
i am off to work now. gotta leave early so i can get there on time. im so scared i dont want to drive in this shit.
cant wait til i get home tonight and can relax.
  • Current Mood
    good good