February 3rd, 2005


well moms friend christina had her baby. mom wants a grandkid now and i have wanted a baby for a long time too just havent realy said much about it. i have talked to gus a little about. when he was still in florida he said he didnt want any kids until he got married but now he says he only wanted to wait until we got to know each other better.
i realy want to have a kid. i realy do. im so afraid though that i wont have the patience and i will get frustrated. i used to with catalina. what if it were to happen again? i know mom will help me. i know she will be here for me. but im still afraid.
well today i have been living here for a year. i havent been kicked out. that is realy something for me. everyone usually throws me out and doesnt want anything to do with me after only a few months. i was so scared when i moved down that i would be hated, and im still here. i am so glad i am still here. i have gotten really close with my mom. she may not be my real mother but i sure wish she was. she has been here for me more then anyone else. and i will be here for her too whenever she needs me. i wish i could give her back everything she has given me and more. i dont really talk to mom much anymore about stuff but i dont really get time alone with her unless we go to the store. sometimes i dont want to talk cause i dont want to make her mad. sometimes i want to talk about how i feel but i dont want mom to worry or get mad. i dont knw why she would get mad i always think i will make someone mad. i have thought for a while that i was just messing things up and that i would end up having to leave. i dont know why i guess just cause my moods have been going crazy and i dont know what to do.
i think i am doing better with having gus around now, it was realy weird at first but now i am getting used to it. i am even considering him starting to sleep in my room but i have to get a bigger bed first. i am trying to spend time with him and talk to him i do think i am doing better about that. it just takes me a while.
so i have been learning a lot at work and i should be a manager. why cant anyone give me management? it really does get on my nerves at times i should be making more money and be able to do more. like getting the breaks done on gus's car and helping with the bills more then just the groceries
i gotta get to sleep
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