January 17th, 2005

not really here

yeah well i went to sleep at around 5 this morning. but i couldnt stay asleep i kept waking up and then i finally decided to get up at around 12 i was so worried about getting my 8 hours of sleep before work that i couldnt sleep i think. i dont know. ugh i hate when i cant sleep i get so frustrated. i went to work and we were basically dead all night. i found out the ms janice changed the hours and we close at 8 on sundays instead of 9 i was happy for that. i dont know what i would have done for another hour of just sitting there. i talked to my cousin and told her everything here is ok and my mom and i werent coming to georgia. i also found out that tony which is my cousin edes husband decided that my other cousin punkin needed her ass kicked. he tried to hit her but she ended up putting him in the hospital. i am so mad that he did that.
i am so glad that mom and lawrence are doing better now. i dont like seeing my mom upset like that. i just wanted to cry. i did cry when i was alone. i just wish i could have helped her feel better. im just glad thats all over now.
i have been getting really irritated a lot lately. i dont know why. i have been getting stressed out and depressed over the littlest things. i wish it would quit. i just really dont know whats wrong. i wish i could talk about it but i dont know what to say. the only person i want to talk to is mom but i have no words. ugh its making me mad. i just want to feel better.
oh well im off to bed gotta be at work at 12 and have to call the landlord about our dogs in the morning. that will be fun hopefully everything will work out.
  • Current Mood
    blank blank

im sorry for everything

I messed up. I have been depressed for a while and its just been getting worse and worse. I know it wouldnt have if I would have talked to someone about what has been going through my head. I dont know exactly what i did but my mom is mad at me. I didnt mean for her to feel bad. I wish i could take it back. I just decided since I was depressed i would go in my room. probably a bad idea. i know i get worse when i am alone. I want to talk to my mom about this but im not so sure she wants to talk to me. I want to tell her what is going on and how i am feeling. but i cant talk to her in front of others.
gus said this whole three weeks has been krap for him. maybe i should stay single. i feel like i am a horrible girlfriend. i dont mean to be. im just having a hard time with it thats all. i love him i do i just dont know what to do. im afraid of getting close im afraid of letting him know everything about me. im afraid of it all.
Am I messing everything up? I just hope everything gets better soon. I hope i can talk to my mom and make everything right. I hope she will forgive me for the way i have been
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed