April 16th, 2004

feeling bad again

dont know why i am writing here or anywhere today. nothing matters anymore. as much as i try to leave everything behind it wont leave. it continues to haunt me everyday every minute every second even. then even when i close my eyes at night. theres his face. or his fist flying at me. what did i do wrong now? why is it no matter how hard i try i am always doing something wrong? maybe i deserve to be punished all the time. i am always screwing up anyway.
i swear each day gets worse and worse with my depression. i love where i live and i love being with mom but i cant make my depression go away. some nights i feel so bad. i try to spend time with mom and have fun. and for a little while i am ok. laughing and havin a good old time. and then....BAM! the depression strikes again. i am back into my own little world thinking all kinds of bad things. having suicidal thoughts that wont go away and i am afraid to talk. and even when i am not afraid to talk or i think i am not afraid i still cant get the words out to tell anyone how i feel.
i dont know if i will ever get through my depression. i dont know if it will ever go away. they have never really found any meds that have helped me in the past and i cant try any now either because i have no insurance and no car so its kinda hard. things are easier with being with my mom. she helps alot. she gives me hugs sometimes and tells me she loves me. she calls me at work and always asks if i am ok. and everytime she asks me that i tell her yeah but want i really want to do is scream NOOOOOOO!!!!! but i just cant. i cant tell her i am not ok. i cant tell her i feel like dying. i cant tell her i am taking diet pills and throwing up my food. i just cant do it.
she thinks cause i have only lost a few pounds that everything is ok. its ok for her to think that. i dont want her to think it is bad. then she will make me stop and right now i dont want to stop. she said it would tear her apart if something ever happened to me. i dont want to do that to her. but i cant get these thoughts out of my head. they wont go away. i have tried.
i guess i am just rambling now. its not like anyone reads this and replies or anything. i am talking to nobody. guess thats good since i am a nobody. i am not previliaged enough to talk to others. i dont deserve love and support like everyone else does.
i am just gonna go sit in my room in the dark and cry. and wait for tomorrow and go to work. then i will just sit in my room again. it will go on and on and on. i will forever be alone. thats how it should be. thats what i deserve.