March 10th, 2004

dont know what to do

i having some really weird thoughts. i have a lot of
stupid questions going through my head.
what if i never met my mom down here? where would i be
then? who would i be with? would i still be alive? and
what was it that i did to make everyone in my life
hate me? or is it that i am just a bad person like i
think i am? if all those people hate me what is it
that i did to get a mom like i have now? what did i do
to have her care about me? to have her love me like a
mother should? why does she really care? why doesnt
she hate me like everyone else that has been around
me? i hate me. i dont think there is anything about me
to love.all these questions going through my head and
i dont know what to do about it.
why am i not happy right now? i should be extremely
happy. i have a home and a mom now. a mom i am proud
to call MY MOM. i havent been yelled at or gotten my
butt kicked. she hasnt threatened to kick me out. i
should be happy but i have to much on my mind. I CANT
all i can do is cry. i have been crying and depressed
all day. i am so afraid that things will change and i
will be in the way and she will want me to leave. i am
so afraid of that. i dont want to ever leave here. i
want to stay here. i have a mom now. i have someone i
can talk to face to face. i feel comfortable talking
to her. she tells me she loves me. she makes sure i am
ok. she checks on me when she knows i have been
feeling like passing out. she helps me off the floor
when i fall down and cant move. she makes sure i have
everything i need. she sits up with me just to spend
i always feel like i have done something wrong. i
always feel like maybe i shouldnt talk about things
even with her because maybe she doesnt want to hear
about it. maybe i am in the way. maybe i take up too
much of here time. maybe i should just leave so i dont
mess things up between me and her.
ugh i dont know my brain is going bonkers again and i
cant handle it. i need
someone right now. i need to talk to someone. please. im losing it. i am going into my depression stage. i have felt it coming for a couple weeks now. i want to hide. i need to hide.
i need help.