February 21st, 2004

still awake

rough day at work last night. the guys were going crazy tryin to get my phone number and just wouldnt leave me alone. i came home and was doing ok till of course mom said i had to eat something. i ate and then went straight to the bathroom. i just cant hold anything down. i dont want to try to eat anymore. i am tired of throwing up. now that my stomach is doing ok, i want to try to sleep a little. but i dont know if i will be able to. i cant believe its 730 am and i am not tired yet. i am sitting wondering what i am going to do. should i try to sleep? or should i just stay up? i dont know. i wish someone could help me.
im not good enough to get help. i don deserve it. i am left alone just like i should be. i am nothing anyway. just a piece of trash here in this world. oh well thats just me. stupid trashy me. i guess i will live, i have this long.
im gonna go for now. dont know what i will do but i am gonna go.

here i am

well i got a little sleep i kept waking up though. i never sleep good anymore i am so tired all the time it gets on my nerves. i got 4 hours of sleep i laid in bed for an extra four though. kept trying but it didnt work. atleast i dont have to work today. so i can be lazy and not have to worry about anything.
things couldnt be better where i am living. here i have a mom. no dad but a mom. i am used to not having a dad. he was never around anyway. my mom here is awesome to me. she talks to me asks me if i am ok. tells me she loves me which is totally new to me i never heard that from my real mother. she gives me hugs and helps me off the floor or the chair when i cant get up by myself. she is the best.
anyways i dont know what else to write so i will go now. be back later im sure

im ok i guess

well i had another nightmare today. it wasnt good. it seems my nightmares just get worse everytime. they are very scary.i hit my head and punched the wall i knocked stuff over on my night stand and stuff. i was crying and when i woke up i was woke up cause i was talking in my sleep. i cant believe no one heard me. it was really weird i know i talk in my sleep but i have never woke myself up from talking before. i am glad i did though i dont think i could handle much more of that dream. i relived everything almost that i went through when i was with him and then i moved here to south carolina in the dream and he found me and started a lot of krap and mom kicked me out of the house and i didnt have anyone to turn to exept my ex. i had to go with him. i had no choice. so i got my stuff and went with him and got beat up the whole time. it was really bad.
even though mom says i dont have to worry about ever getting kicked out of here or my ex ever touching me ever again i still get scared. so many people before have told me the same thing before and it still ended up happening. i cant help but be scared about it. i really hope its true though that i wont get kicked out of here. i really like it here. i love having a mom that cares.
well thats my thoughts for now.
i am still really tired i still havent slept all that good. i talked to a nurse on the phone today. she said i am anorexic too i dont know what it is with these people. why do they think i am anorexic just because i dont like food and i want to lose weight. i am not anorexic. i do not have an eating disorder. why cant anyone understand that? ugh. now i am getting mad. i shouldnt have started talking about that. its a really bad subject for me. anyways i am gone for now i cant talk no more. i will be back later.