February 20th, 2004

ahhhhh(not a good post)

had a bad nightmare today. i feel very bad cause i was sleeping on the couch and my mom had to wake me up. it took me a little while to realize i was ok. my ex boyfriend was beating the living day lights out of me in my dream. i couldnt do anything to stop it. i am so far away from him but i know that he will find me. i dont know how long it will take him but i know he will find me. he always does. he wont even leave me alone in my dreams. why wont he go? i dont want him with me at all.
i know i shouldnt have stayed with him as long as i did. but all the things he said. and all the times he said he loved me and how sorry he was. and told me how it would never happen again. and then of course it would happen again.
the dream was so real. it was like really really real. i was so scared i thought for sure i was going to die. i had no one in my dream to turn to. he said i was ugly and stupid and that no one else would ever want me. he said i would never succeed at anything and i always messed everything up. he said that if i did something right for once i wouldnt get in trouble. he keeps telling me over and over again how stupid i am and if i would try just a little bit i could cook his dinner right and fold his clothes the way he likes them. i could have the house totally spotless like he likes it to be. it never mattered how hard i worked at trying to make him happy i never did enough and in the end i paid for it. i cant write anymore right now i dont know what else to say

going to try to sleep

i guess i am gonna try to sleep its 530 in the morning and i am not a bit tired i think its because i am afraid of the nightmares. i dont want to have them anymore but they just keep coming back. i just dont know what to do, i am totally freaked out.
i tried to tell my mom about the nightmares but words cant explain how horrible they are. she said i was crying in my sleep.i feel so bad for having a nightmare and her having to wake me up. i guess i will try to not fall asleep in the living room anymore.
i dont want to work today. i want to just stay home i am so tired i wish i didnt have to work. i like my new job i really do but i have no energy and i just dont feel like doing anything. errrrr anyways i am gonna try to go lay down i will write more tomorrow.