February 19th, 2004

the beginning

i dont really know what i am supposed to write in here. i am very shy about a lot of things. my problems are a big thing with me cause people want to know why i feel the way i do and they want to know about my disorders. i have a hard time sharing them a lot of people i shared with decided they didnt want anything to do with me after i talked to them about it. it hurts me a lot. i had a lot of friends before i opened my big mouth. i guess i should just pretend im ok for the rest of my life. atleast that way people will want to hang out with me and talk to me still. i have only a couple people left in my life that really care about me and i live with them. if i ever get kicked out of here i will end a bum on the streets. well i didnt really know what to write for the start i guess this is good enough.


dont know what to do

i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know how much longer i can take this pain. mom tells me she will never kick me and she wishes i would stop feeling that way. its hard to stop feeling like that when many others have told you the same thing and then still kick you out not caring what happens to you. i dont do anything so terribly wrong to make someone hate me. maybe i shouldnt ever show the real me. i should just pretend i am someone i am not from now on. maybe i will be ok then. i will just hold all my feelings in forever and one day explode and then still not know what to do. ugh.... i just cant win. i am tired of trying to be loved. i mean really how stupid can i get? i dont love myself and my parents dont love me either, so why should anyone else? if my own parents could care less if i was alive or not why should someone else care about it? i used to have many friends in school i wasnt the most popular person in the world but i had a lot of friends. i never made homecoming queen i never was picked on for teams in gym, the only time i ever really got attention from the so called popular kids was when they needed help in math class or science class then they would pretend to be my friend. i dont know where this is going i guess i just felt like writing.