going to try this....

so i am going to try this even though i am not sure it will work. i have DID. also known as MPD. I dont know my alters and i still black out and dont know whats going on when they come out. i am trying to get them to communicate so i am going to try to have this journal up on my browser so maybe when they come out i can get them to write in here.... i have no friends on here really exept my wife. but maybe i can find some others as well to follow me that might respond to me and my alters (if they write here). trying to get them talking more and maybe help me get through some of this.. blacking out and not knowing what is going on is hard to deal with.

yesterday

what a wonderful day i had. yesterday was mine and my girlfriend pattys one year anniversary. i am so happy. i have never been this happy. we got each other flowers and cards and i got her a balloon and a coffee maker thing she wanted lol. i made us a big dinner and we watched a movie. it was in all a wonderful day. one of the best days of my life. right next to the day one year and one day ago when i got off that grey hound bus and walked into the bus station only to have patty running into my arms. :) that made me feel so good and made me so happy and thats all she has done for the last year is make me happier and happier and happier.
my poor baby last night when to sleep not feeling well and i am hoping that when she wakes up she will feel much better. i hate when she is not feeling well. today if i have the money i am going to get her something at the store. but if i cant get it then i will wait til my next check.
another thing we are doing for our anniversary next week is going to go see the new harry potter movie. i cant wait. i love those movies and so does patty its something she wanted to do so we are going to do it.
hopefully i will have enough money for everything because i dont get a check next week because of my accident i got into last wednesday. i wrecked a moped cause i had two dogs chasing me and i almost hit a truck. it was scary. but i have whiplash and a concussion from it and a lot of bruises and bumps. having a hard time with work too cause my back and legs are messed up. i tried to go back to work the other day and only made it 2 and a half hours and the room just started spinning on me.
i got a picture of my sister yesterday on my phone. i cant believe how much she has grown up. i feel like i have missed years and years of her life. i hate being away from her. but i know i have to live my life and be happy too. michigan just wasnt making me happy. i love my family up there and i wouldnt give them up for the world. but i love north carolina and i absolutely LOVE patty. i would do anything for her. she is my everything. my life. everything i have ever dreamed of in a relationship. she keeps me going and makes me want to live from day to day. i still have my depression but i havent had the thoughts of dying in a year now. i waited so long for patty to come back to me because i was stupid and left the first time. god i love this woman. i really never thought i would get a second chance to show her how much i truely love her but i was wrong and here we are together and happy and i wouldnt give that up for anything. i want to grow old with patty and take care of her and make sure she gets what she wants and what she needs. one day i want to marry her. i want to put that ring on her finger and say i do. she is so beautiful to me. i hate when i go to work because she is not with me. i hate being away from her. i love her so much i just want to be with her all the time. i dont care if people say its not healthy to be around someone ALL the time that is what i did with her for the first year almost and now i have to work and i am away and i hate being away it kills me i miss her so much when i am not home. i just want to wrap my arms around her and never let go.
just makes me wish i could put her in my pocket and take her where ever i go.
anyways patty i am 100% in love with you. you mean everything to me. you are what keeps me going every day. without you i would be lost. i was before you got in touch with me a little over a year ago. i was very lost and very confused. i did everything the years we were apart to find someone atleast a little bit like you but i never found anyone. you are too beautiful and too smart and too loving. i will never find that in someone else. you make me feel needed and wanted and loved. something all the other guys and girls i have been with have never been able to do. when you smile when i walk in the door from work it makes me feel like i am special and that i was missed while i was away. even if it is only for a few hours. i love spending time with you. before we were together i loved being alone. i slept most of my days away and i didnt care cause i had nothing to really look forward too. but now sometimes i hate sleeping cause i never want to miss one moment with you. and i hate being alone. i miss you way too much when we are apart.
please always remember patty that you are my life. you are my world. and without you i would be lost. i never want to lose you again. and i will do anything and everything i can to keep you in my life for as long as i can. i believe you are that one person for me. im just sorry we lost all the years we did because i was being stupid and stubborn. we lost a lot of time together that we could have had growing closer and stronger.
i love you baby. now i have to stop writing because for one i am crying lol. yeah me big baby lol. and two if i keep writing no one will want to read it because it will be too long.
i love you hunny. and so happy we are together.
  • Current Mood
    loved loved

confusion

sitting wondering what to do. i just want everything to be okay. i love them both. i just want this to work out. i dont know what to do. i mean am i suppose to forgive and forget? am i suppose to stay angry? help me. things just dont seem the same now that we are all talking again. it seems like i am losing a battle i shouldnt be losing. i work hard to make her happy.
i work hard to keep things equal. i just want things to be happy again. i want to know what everyone wants. i want to live my life how we were before when everything was okay. it seems like they are both distant. but i could be wrong. why dont i talk to them? because i dont want anyone upset. i want everyone happy and not angry or hurt anymore.
pregnant? maybe but who knows. hoping to be pregnant? yes and no. i just dont know where i want to go with all that right now. my dream is kinda been shattered but not really. i want a baby so bad and i know he does too. but i dont know if i can trust him again. i want this to happen i really do but i want to know he is going to be faithful from now on. i want to know he will talk to us if he has a problem. but can it be a guarentee? probably not. he says he got rid of the phone number but do i believe? i dont know. we werent here we didnt see him throw it away.
now things are just quiet. no arguing no talking no nothiing. everyone doing there own thing. its just not the same. i hope it gets back to normal soon. i know i pissed her off last night. i didnt mean too. just kept getting asked what was wrong and finally i said something and she got upset and that was not my intention at all. she thinks she shouldnt give him any attention at all. but thats not what i want. i just want things to be equal. i want her to have fun like that with me too. i dont know. am i asking to much? i need help. i dont want to lose either one of them. i just want things to be good.
maybe my thinking is wrong but its how i have been feeling lately and i hate it. i just want things to be normal again.
l love you both very much and hope things turn out for the best.
i dont want to lose either one of you and well i just dont know how to talk about it without hurting someone.
please if you read this come talk to me.
love you very much with all my heart. forever.

  • Current Mood
    confused confused

long day ahead

so today is going to be quite long i have two things going on at the gym and then work all night long. i cant believe i am still awake.
i got out of going to mental health today i have to go tomorrow instead.
last night went ok. glad its over though. some guys car broke down in drive thru so i had to go push it out. i think we are getting use to the schedule cause we actually got to sit down for a little while and relax which was nice.
this weekend is coming fast im getting excited but im nervous too. i havent been to a church in a long time. and i havent seen my friends in like a year and a half now i think.
i met this girl and i really like her. i hope i will get to meet her soon. i know i am not suppose to be with women but it feels right and it is comfortable to me. maybe things will change i dont know but right now i am very confused and i do what feels good and right.
i wrote to one of my old youth leaders yesterday on myspace i hope to hear from her soon. i miss talking to her.
i hope her and the family is doing good. they moved a long time ago and i havent seen them in years now.
anyways i better get to sleep i have to be up in a few hours.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah

not sure what to say

my feelings on a lot of things are not to good. there are certain situations i have been in and now i see i did some of them to myself. im just meant to do wrong i guess. no matter how hard i try i mess things up. most things werent my fault, i see that now but... somethings like down in north carolina with the people i was staying with there, that was my fault. i never should have gotten involved like i did. i got way to close to them. i asked to get hurt. i didnt ask for everything that happened but i basically walked myself into it all. it seems like i was wearing a blindfold and walked right into it. exept when i took the blindfold off i stayed instead of leaving.
i am tired of the moodswings. i was fine and now i just want to runaway. im tired of this. i just want one mood all day long. no switching moods and thinking about krap. i just want one peaceful day.
tomorrow is work im not looking forward to it right now at all. i dont want to deal with the crazy schedule that i have to get things done.  i dont want to deal with my other manager coming in the next morning and giving me all the krap he always does. he is always negative about everything. never says anything positive. he is never nice. he doesnt care what we go through all night long trying to get things done. he just cares that there is one peice of paper on the floor or a french fry accidently left under a table. we have 5 hour to get the entire store clean and do all the prep and its only me and one other person all night long.
wednesday i have to go to mental health for my meds and then off to the gym
im sitting here alone once again and my brain is going a million miles an hour.  i have so much to think about. and chance in my life that need to be made but i am so afraid.


  • Current Mood
    confused confused

its been a long time


its been a really long time since i have wrote so many things have happened. i have moved several times. i have been in trouble with life, i have been in and out of hospitals and been put on many different medications to try to help with the issues i have. i have lost friends and made new ones. i have finally figured out that i dont belong in certain places or with certain people. i have come to the conclusion that meeting new people is not for me. i cant trust them anyway.
i have gone pretty far in my job. i am a manager now at mcdonalds and i love it. i love the people i with. my store manager is an awesome woman. she has been there for me many times.
i have also reconnected with an old friend of mine which i now consider to be my best friend. she understands how i feel and is trying to help me. she never puts me down and makes me feel like i dont belong even though i try so hard sometimes because thats what i am use to. my fear of being rejected is horrible.
i am going to georgia in the summer with my roommate and my sister. but until then every month i will be taking a three day weekend to go up north to see my friend elizabeth and go to her church. i know i need to start going again. i was doing so much better when i was going to church and i was living in georgia, everything turned around for the worse when i moved to south carolina and it just kept getting worse from there. i made some bad mistakes in my life and chose to go the wrong way and it has made my life very hard to live.
the state wanted me on disability they think i am not capable to work a full time job. they dont think i can handle the stress. i am trying my hardest i have to say its not always easy but i work through it day by day minute by minute if i have too. sometimes everything is fine and sometimes i just want to cry but who doesnt have bad days?
i live with a few people right now. i like it where i am. everyone is really nice and i feel like i belong. which is nice because i havent really felt like i have belonged anywhere in a long time. the only place i usually feel comfortable at is the hospital but i know its not a good place for me to feel safe and comfortable.
i will write more later.
  • Current Mood
    numb numb

got some stuff done today

wow i am proud of myself i actually got up early and was able to do some things around the house like i said i would do. i didnt sleep real well though. something kept waking me up. and i have been having a lot of problems with my back lately. i wake up really stiff and in major pain, it goes away after a few hours but damn it hurts.
well its storming out so i am going to have a lot of fun driving to work. its scary driving in storms when you are alone. well atleast to me.
i have to close tonight kinda sucks cause i will miss dinner. oh well not really having much of an appetite today anyway. i dont know why though. stomach is just not real good right now.
i am going to schedule next thursday off work so me and mom can go to the clinic. im glad we have a free clinic i cant handle no more bills going to collections. i cant pay the bills that i have now. i dont make that much money.
i have thought about going to burger king and applying again. i know i could get my hours there and i would make more money that would be better. i want to talk to mom about it first though. i am tired of switching jobs but i am also tired of barely making any money and working my ass off. i deserve more. i have been working since i was 12.
i am off to work now. gotta leave early so i can get there on time. im so scared i dont want to drive in this shit.
cant wait til i get home tonight and can relax.
  • Current Mood
    good good

feel like bitching

gus seemed upset when he brought up the i have wednesday off. he said i see how it is. you get the day off that i have to work. he gets all kinds of time at home without me here shouldnt i get time without him in the house? most of the time i get alone i steal the laptop and take it to my room at night around the time i would be going to sleep so i can have a lone time. but why cant i have time away and be able to sit in the living room and watch tv or play a game or something? am i wrong by wanting that?
lately he seems like he is in a bad mood a lot. am i doing something wrong again? all his jokes are just getting on my nerves everytime you ask him for something he is a smart ass and says no. and even though he still brings it it just gets annoying. or when you say something he says liar. he laughs at his own damn jokes. i for one dont really think they are funny but thats just my opinion. i can handle jokes and having fun but oh my god all the freakin time? ahhhhhhhhhhh i just want to scream at him to quit sometimes. i dont want to be mean to him though.
i think this is part of the reason why i cant spend time with him a lot. and the whole sitting next to each other shit. i would be able to if he would quit touching me all the time while we are sitting together. i have talked to him about this too. am i stupid or what? do i need to be a bitch about it for him to understand that i dont like to be touched all the time? i dont want to be but shit its irritating.
i dont know what put me in this mood but it sucks. i should be sleeping. but i cant. i just feel like going away right now.
i was trying to leave the ana groups tonight but i couldnt do it. i thought about asking mom if she would help me. i know i shouldnt be in them. i know they arent healthy groups for me. i was stupid to join cause i knew when i joined i wouldnt want to leave. mom wants me healthy and she doesnt want me to die i knw that if i got into my eating disorder to bad and lose to much weight i could die. i dont want to do that to her. i want to be here with her for as long as i can. i love my mom and i dont ever want to hurt her like that.
work was ok but my boss bitched about the night before saying we didnt do all this stuff when i know damn well that we did. i dont know what her problem is but she needs to stop. she has me doing practically everything in that fucking store and all i get is bitched at? what is up with that shit? i know i could get a job somewhere else but i am tired of switching jobs all the time. i thought about going to burger king cause i know i can get more money there and i would have all my hours and my two days off a week. maybe i will look into doing that and just stay there. i think i can get insurance too. that would be cool. i really need medical insurance. i need some kind of sleeping pill and something for my back. maybe a muscle relaxer would help both. i could take one of those at night and it would relax me to go to sleep and to help my back not hurt so bad.
well i should be off to sleep so i can be awake enough to work tomorrow.
  • Current Mood
    irritated irritated